Developing A Self Love Mindset By Recognizing Her Nemesis, Self Sabotage

Developing A Self Love Mindset By Recognizing Her Nemesis, Self Sabotage

I coach women from all over the country. They come to me with unique goals, dreams, and experiences. But, there’s one thing that most of them have in common. They are practicing self sabotage in some form or another which is negatively impacting their mindset and their lives.

They don’t recognize this tendency until we start working together. They are unaware that their self sabotaging actions have deep roots in their mindset. And, it makes perfect sense because like so many of us, they learned self sabotage at a very young age. They developed the muscle for self deprecating thoughts and behaviors and it got stronger every time they flexed it. They did not learn self love. Consequently, wit never became part of their language, mindset, thought process, or actions.

Self sabotage can take many forms.

When it comes to low self esteem, self sabotage can sound like this: 

You’re not good enough. 

You’re not smart or talented enough.

You’re unloveable.

You don’t deserve to have a good time.

Why are you so stupid?

The mindset that fuels self sabotage negatively impacts our holistic being and the quality of our lives.

This mindset shapes the way we feel about ourselves. It governs the way we think and how we experience the people and events in our lives. We develop patterns of thinking and behavior from childhood, past relationships, and experiences. These patterns become ingrained and reflexive the more we practice them. Eventually, they become our norms. But, here’s the good news. We can change. We can grow. We can break our learned patterns and tendencies toward self sabotage.

Science had proven that we’re dynamic.

We can change and grow at any age and stage of life- if we choose to change and grow. I talked about this during Episode 16 of my podcast, She Grabs The Mic. And, I’m not the only one shining a light on this topic. In an article for Very Well Mind, Barbara Field (a mental health and women’s empowerment expert) said, “There are many reasons for self sabotage including low self image and low self esteem.”

We can transform our mindset to one of self love. 

As a professional life coach for women, I see this as massive opportunity. By learning how to transform our mindset to one of self love self esteem and self image increase. When we develop the muscle to love and value who we authentically are, our tendency to self sabotage decreases. This is a game changer when it comes to improving our mental health, physical health, and overall quality of life.

Self sabotage and self love are mindsets shift that influence every dimension life.

  • The relationship you have with yourself (your inner voice, self talk, and beliefs)
  • What you see when you look in the mirror
  • The quality of your relationships with other people
  • Your tendency to show up authentically as you are or show up to please
  • Your sex life- how you feel about your body, how you view sex
  • What you believe you deserve
  • What you tolerate and accept
  • How you prioritize and invest in your mental and physical health, your growth and happiness
  • What you say yes to, what you say no to
  • How confident you are when you make a decision and how mindful you are about why you’re making it
  • Whether or not you advocate for yourself at work
  • Your overall feeling of worth, peace and contentment
  • How successful you are at achieving your goals and dreams

Self love is unconditional love for yourself.

Self love is not about being conceited, selfish, or egotistical. Not at all. It’s having an awareness and appreciation of your 360 degree self- your strengths and weaknesses alike. It is loving and accepting all parts of yourself equally and compassionately. Self love is recognizing what you want and need to be happy and live well. This mindset allows us to be our best for ourselves and for the world. 

Mindset, health, and quality of life improve when you have a mindset of self love.

  • You know your worth. This increases your tendency to speak up and advocate for what you need, want and deserve.
  • Your inner self talk turns positive which improves the way you think and feel.
  • The choices you make originate from a place of honoring and loving who you truly are.

Self love is foundational to discovering your best and living your most kickass life.

When you use tools like coaching, mindfulness, and meditation to bring awareness to your thoughts, patterns, and beliefs, you can begin to understand when you’re practicing self sabotage, disrupt the pattern, and shift your mindset to self love.

Neuroscience has proven that we can change the way you think.

Every single one of us has the ability to change the way we think. Choice, knowledge, and practice are the differentiating elements. Even if you’ve been living in the dark lands of negativity, you can transform your mindset, habits and patterns into positive ones. You can grow at any age and stage of life.

Mindfulness is a tool that helps you recognize whether you are practicing self sabotage or self love.

Mindfulness is very simply the practice of observing what we are thinking and feeling. When we learn how to observe our minds, we can recognize when we are:

  • Practicing self judgement instead of compassion
  • Doubting or criticizing ourselves
  • Procrastinating in pursuit of perfection or fear of failure
  • Harboring self sabotage beliefs we learned from our past
  • Unconsciously blocking ourselves from realizing our potential and achieving our dreams and goals

Mindfulness is an act of self love. 

The scientific benefits of mindfulness are vast. I teach mindfulness to every woman I coach because it profoundly improves our mindset and overall quality of life. Mindfulness provides us with perspective. It helps us recognize when we have an opportunity to shift from self sabotage cycles to self love.

Three tips to help you shift your mindset from self sabotage to self love: 

#1. Take a personal inventory. Write a list of what you fear, criticize, judge, hide, or reject about yourself. Kindly ask yourself:

  • How is the way I feel about myself affecting my choices?
  • What would change if I accepted what I fear, criticize, judge, hide, and reject about myself?Get in touch with what you want and deserve. Think about your relationships, career, happiness, goals, and dreams. Ask yourself: What do I deserve to feel and experience? What do I want most for myself and why?

#2. Get mindful. When you notice negative self-talk or self-limiting beliefs, hit your mental pause button. Take 10-12 breaths. Kindly ask yourself:

  • Where did I learn this?
  • What words, thoughts, and beliefs can I offer myself right now that are more loving and supportive?

#3. Be patient and be consistent.

Changing your mindset takes time. Effort is Queen. Day by day, small mindful practices like observing your mind and feelings will lead you to the promised land.  This practice will help you recognize your self sabotage tendencies and in time, boost your self love. The more you practice, the easier it is to develop a mindset that is supportive, confident, and land most of all, loving. This is how you transform your life. 

If you’re ready to tame your mindset and transform your life, let’s talk. I’d love to meet you.

Life Lessons From My Mom

Life Lessons From My Mom

My mother is powerful and courageous. She’s suffered too many hurts to count. She’s carried heavy baggage. She’s learned how to survive in the midst of chaos.
She’s taught me lessons over the last 54 years that have shaped me.
How to:
Stand up for myself and speak my truth- especially in my early years when I stuttered so badly I could hardly say my name,
Love animals,
Shave my legs, use a tampon, and enjoy a good book,
Find joy in cooking, mow a yard, tend a garden, and body surf,
Live curiously, work hard, and question authority,
Hug everyone and say yes to love,
Fail fast and keep going,
Have faith in myself and The Divine,
Love my son unconditionally,
Use my voice for good,
Do everything I can, as one woman, to make the world a little better,
Self sacrifice
My mother has lived on her own terms.
She was a medical professional working full time and a single Mom of three daughters, in the 70’s. She was in demand because she was so damn smart, committed, and good at her job. She defied all the rules, busted the stereotypes, and taught me what it means to take bold chances.

As I’ve watched her over the years, I’ve learned that women are strong, capable, and hard as hell on ourselves. I have learned that it is only possible to wield our magic if we learn to fully love ourselves- the dark and the light equally and unconditionally.

54 years later, self love is the lesson I am able to share with my mother. 

I am grateful to be her daughter. I am blessed to witness her magic.
Today, I am celebrating this amazing woman- raising a glass to her imperfect extraordinary life, as she kicks off her __th revolution around the sun!
If you’re ready to live your best life, let’s talk. I’d love to help you get there.
What I Know Now But Never Learned About Self Love

What I Know Now But Never Learned About Self Love

“Make a list of five people you love.” This was the opening question of an energy workshop I attended at the front edge of 2023. As we went around the room, people listed off the usual suspects, “My kids, significant other, friends, my dog…” Not a single person, including me, said, “Myself.” Maybe that explains why we’re so quick to judge ourselves and so slow to love ourselves. Why it’s so easy to focus on where we’ve failed. Why we conform, hide our authentic selves away and have no problem listing off what we need to improve or fix about ourselves. Why we ruminate at the end of the day on everything we should have done, should be doing- what didn’t get done.

Why are we so resistant to celebrate what we accomplish and where we make a difference because we participated? Why is it hard for us to acknowledge every little courageous step forward we’ve taken that led us to progress and growth? Why do we shy away from the kind words and compliments other people share with us? Why is it so hard to feel proud of ourselves? To allow ourselves to sink into the fullness, imperfection and joy of who we are?

Why is practicing self sabotage so easy and self love so damn hard? 

In my case, it was childhood conditioning. The words ‘self-love’ were not part of my Southern family’s vocabulary. I was raised by good, kind, well meaning women who were never taught the concept or practice of self love. They learned that loving yourself was selfish, even egotistical. They rarely ate a hot meal or sat down (to enjoy their cold meal) before every dish was done. They went to work, even when they were sick, and rarely left the house without their “face on.” They valued what other people thought of them more than they valued how they thought about themselves. They pushed beyond exhaustion and considered it a badge of honor. They were industrious women who thought sleeping more than four hours a night was for the weak. They shared their opinions but it rarely occurred to them to speak up for they needed to be healthy, happy and whole. Focusing on what you did well was bragging. Loving yourself first was blasphemous. When it came to love, God came first. 

To be fair, the women in my family lived through some seriously hard shit like The Great Depression, polio and world wars. They were taught to “Suck it up. Grin and bear it. Power through. Be grateful for what you’ve got and don’t ask for a bit more.” I’m sure these beliefs helped them survive but they also killed any notion of self-love. Watching them and listening to their stories made it easy for me to feel selfish for ever thinking about putting myself first. I learned to compare myself to them, judge myself when I fell short, question my value and quietly settle for less than I wanted or deserved. The way I was raised primed my pump for self-sabotage.

After decades of self-work- mindfulness, introspection, meditation and coaching, here’s what I know now.

  1. Self love is unconditional, not selfish. 
  2. Self love is essential to thriving.
  3. Self love is the ultimate act of kindness we can offer ourselves.

Holding deep, unconditional love for ourselves changes the way we think, feel and make decisions for ourselves and our lives. In practice, self love is forgiving ourselves, knowing the light and darkness in ourselves and accepting them equally. Self love is speaking up for what we need, want and deserve and not tolerating a darn bit less. It’s celebrating ourselves, being kind to ourselves, and believing in ourselves.

We are mirrors for everyone around us. As we practice self love, that love we hold for ourselves becomes the lens of forgiveness, beauty, celebration, kindness, and belief that we share with the people in our lives. Imagine how this type of self-love could change your life. Imagine how it could change the world! 

Here are three of the questions I offer in my life coaching practice to help my clients develop awareness around self love:

  • Who’s first on your list of the people you love?
  • How are you practicing self-sabotage?
  • How are you practicing self-love?

*If you’re ready to cultivate self-love for yourself and thrive in your own life, let’s talk