How To Ignite The Best Love Affair You’ll Ever Have

by | Feb 21, 2024 | Podcasts



SPEAKER_1: You’re listening to She Grabs The Mic, and I’m your host, Cole Baker-Bagwell.

SPEAKER_1: Every week, we’ll explore what it means to be happy, present, and whole.

SPEAKER_1: You’ll hear from courageous women who are kicking ass in their lives, and leave with actionable tips that you can apply to reset from toxicity, tune into your gold, and live powerfully from the bedroom to the boardroom.

SPEAKER_1: Right now, it’s time to grab your headphones, kick back and relax, and get ready to be inspired.

SPEAKER_1: Welcome, Amazing Ones!
SPEAKER_1: I am so happy that you’re here!
SPEAKER_1: Thank you for choosing to tune in and spend a little time with me again this week.

SPEAKER_1: But more importantly, thank you for choosing to say yes to yourself! Every single time you download She Grabs The Mic and pop me in your ears, you’re saying, yes, “I want to figure out what’s possible for me.”

SPEAKER_1: Yes, I want to be the fiercest and most awesome version of myself for me.”

SPEAKER_1: Before you wrap up this day, give yourself a big old round of applause for showing up for you.

SPEAKER_1: Now, along those lines, we’re going to be talking about self love today.

SPEAKER_1: Before we dive into it, I’m going to kick it off with a couple of questions.

SPEAKER_1: What do you see when you look in the mirror?

SPEAKER_1: Do you see what needs to be fixed or do you see what deserves to be loved?

SPEAKER_1: This week, we’re talking about resetting from the She-Beast called judgment to her fierce and fabulous counterpart, Admiration, to help you rock your life.

SPEAKER_1: We’re talking about unconditionally loving, admiring, and claiming the woman you are by shifting your mindset, language, and awareness.

SPEAKER_1: Across this episode, I’m going to share why it’s so hard for us to say what we love and admire about ourselves, much less say it out loud.

SPEAKER_1: I’ll tell you a story about my journey from self-loathing to unconditional love and admiration.

SPEAKER_1: I’ll help you understand how holding this type of love for yourself will change your life, and three things that you need to have in place to make the shift.

SPEAKER_1: And by the end, you will walk away with a fresh perspective and three micro coaching practices that will help you not only get in touch with what you love and admire most about you, but practices that will help you write a love letter to yourself that will blow any store-bought card right out of the water.

SPEAKER_1: You’ll wind up with an empowering artifact that will remind you of how truly amazing and lovable you are.

SPEAKER_1: All right, buckle up. Here we go!

SPEAKER_1: If I ask you to write a list of what you dislike and what you like about yourself, which list would be longer and why?

SPEAKER_1: Now, if I gave you the task of writing yourself a love letter, where would you begin?

SPEAKER_1: What would it say?

SPEAKER_1: What feelings and thoughts are bubbling up for you right now, just thinking about putting pen to paper and writing yourself a love letter?

SPEAKER_1: This is an important conversation because across all of the conversations that I am having with women I love, know, and coach, I am learning that one of the hardest things for them to answer is this.

SPEAKER_1: What do you love and admire most about yourself? SPEAKER_1: And their reactions are very similar.

SPEAKER_1: Some of them cry.
SPEAKER_1: They say nothing.

SPEAKER_1: Some say, I don’t know.
SPEAKER_1: I have no idea.
SPEAKER_1: I’ve never thought about it.
SPEAKER_1: But here’s the really interesting part.
SPEAKER_1: When I ask them, what do other people love and admire about you, their answers flow much easier.

SPEAKER_1: They can come up with usually at least two or three things that other people love and admire.

SPEAKER_1: To me, this is a sad truth, and it’s also an exciting opportunity.

SPEAKER_1: Love is defined as a feeling of intense, deep affection.

SPEAKER_1: As I think about us, the obvious question becomes this.

SPEAKER_1: Why the heck shouldn’t we feel deep affection for the people that we are?

SPEAKER_1: Understanding why saying what we love and admire about ourselves is hard is pretty easy to understand if we just look around.

SPEAKER_1: We overlook what makes us amazing because we measure our lovability by what the outside world tells us is lovable and admirable.

SPEAKER_1: The media, our parents, our bosses, others, look around.

SPEAKER_1: What messages are you taking in?

SPEAKER_1: We live in the swirl of comparing ourselves to others, and this leads to self-sabotaging cycles of shame, blame, guilt, and self-doubt.

SPEAKER_1: The she-beasts that confirm and perpetuate our constant state of not being enough, not being lovable.

SPEAKER_1: We inherit negative self-images about ourselves from people around us.

SPEAKER_1: Some of us are told we’d be more lovable if we will be good enough when.

SPEAKER_1: Some of us are involved in toxic, controlling, or even narcissistic personal relationships.

SPEAKER_1: Some of us work really hard and we do our damn best only to be undervalued and overlooked time and time again.

SPEAKER_1: So consequently, we focus more time on what needs to be fixed than on what deserves to be loved.

SPEAKER_1: And this is so easy for most of us.
SPEAKER_1: The problem is this way of thinking becomes a blocker.
SPEAKER_1: It keeps us in a cycle of striving that makes us feel miserable and constantly less than.

SPEAKER_1: How the hell can you love that?

SPEAKER_1: The mindset of fixing and striving, it affects our careers, our relationships, our mental and physical health, and the overall quality of our lives at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_1: Now here’s what I know.

SPEAKER_1: When we say, this is what I love and admire about myself because we can get to that place, our quality of life totally changes because our thinking changes.

SPEAKER_1: Our language then changes, and we develop this beautiful confidence in who we uniquely are.

SPEAKER_1: It’s simple math.

SPEAKER_1: Now I’m going to be the first one to admit, this is hard as hell.

SPEAKER_1: It is not easy. Nothing easy about it.

SPEAKER_1: It took me decades to love and admire myself.

SPEAKER_1: I was a tall, super gangly girl who loved animals more than most people, and I had a really hard time fitting in.

SPEAKER_1: To make matters worse, I stuttered until I was in high school, and I had braces like the full metal jacket braces with like the rubber bands and the whole nine yards.

SPEAKER_1: It was hard for me to see anything that I loved when I looked in the mirror.  And in my free time, I was a ballerina.

SPEAKER_1: I lived in that world where perfection and beauty were the only things that were rewarded or valued.

SPEAKER_1: I was super awkward with boys and the furthest thing from the girls that I considered to be beautiful or sexy.

SPEAKER_1: When I looked in the mirror, I saw a flawed, unlovable girl who didn’t measure up, who didn’t fit in, who didn’t deserve to be loved.

SPEAKER_1: Now that mindset spilled over into my college years, and it was pretty damn damaging.

SPEAKER_1: In an attempt to love myself, I searched for love and admiration in all the wrong places.

SPEAKER_1: I went out with boys who took advantage and treated me poorly so I could feel lovable.

SPEAKER_1: I spent more money than I had to get love from my friends.

SPEAKER_1: I partied until I dropped, shape-shifted, and pretended to be anyone but who I really was, all so I could be loved.

SPEAKER_1: And as I think back to those days, I remember feeling like a total sellout.

SPEAKER_1: Now the good news is my life took a positive turn in my mid-twenties.

SPEAKER_1: I finally got some sense.

SPEAKER_1: I reached a point where I was embarrassed for myself about the way I was allowing myself to be treated.

SPEAKER_1: And believe it or not, that can be one hell of a motivator.

SPEAKER_1: I started practicing mindfulness, and once I did, I stopped looking outside of myself for love.

SPEAKER_1: It was scary as hell.

SPEAKER_1: I mean, I remember going inward, breathing, being asked and directed to look at what was going on in my mind and it was like the most telling thing in the world.

SPEAKER_1: I saw all of my truths, all of my criticism, all of my judgment, all of my fear.

SPEAKER_1: It was all right there in front of me.

SPEAKER_1: But I began to get really clear on the parts of me that deserved love because I loved those things about me.

SPEAKER_1: And little by little, my whole life took a big turn for the better.

SPEAKER_1: I broke up with my abusive and disrespectful boyfriend.

SPEAKER_1: I quit my shitty job.

SPEAKER_1: Those years primed the pump for the full-on love vest I realized in my 30s when my son Luke was born.

SPEAKER_1: That was the day I understood full-on, unconditional love like I had never known amazing ones.

SPEAKER_1: It was a deep, primal love.

SPEAKER_1: It ignited my need to protect, to nurture and support him.

SPEAKER_1: It was love that was so big that it filled me up and left me wanting for absolutely nothing.

SPEAKER_1: Everything that I wanted and needed in the world was right there in front of me.

SPEAKER_1: And the full-on, unconditional love I felt for my sweet baby boy was intoxicating.

SPEAKER_1: It was freaking world-stopping.

SPEAKER_1: And as I experienced that love for him, I had some amazing moments of clarity for me.

SPEAKER_1: I realized that I had a capacity for a level and depth of love I had never imagined.

SPEAKER_1: And I realized that because I had that capacity, I could feel that kind of love for myself.

SPEAKER_1: All I had to do was allow it to be true.

SPEAKER_1: Once I crossed that hurdle, which took a little time, I experienced a privilege and depth of love I’d never known for myself.

SPEAKER_1: It was a freakin’ game changer!

SPEAKER_1: Because I learned how to love and admire myself as a woman, I looked in the mirror and I saw strength and fierceness, and I loved what I was choosing to see.

SPEAKER_1: I stopped tolerating bad behavior. I created healthy boundaries.

SPEAKER_1: I started speaking up for what I thought was important, for what I deserved and for what I wanted.

SPEAKER_1: And as I developed more confidence and admiration for myself, guess what happened? I started taking bold ass chances.

SPEAKER_1: I stopped competing and comparing myself with other people, and that freed up extra energy for me to be me.

SPEAKER_1: That depth of unconditional love and admiration that I felt for myself helped me love the people in my life for who they were instead of for who I wanted them to be.

SPEAKER_1: And that became a boomerang of goodness that I still realize today.

SPEAKER_1: Here’s what I know.

SPEAKER_1: We all have really damn good reasons to love and admire ourselves, and to realize what they are, you need three ingredients, awareness, language, and daily practice.

SPEAKER_1: These three things help you connect with the reasons that you deserve to love and admire yourself, all the reasons that you are admirable and lovable for you.

SPEAKER_1: So I want to get you started.
SPEAKER_1: I want to help you get out of the gate, cross that hurdle a lot more easily than I did.

SPEAKER_1: And I’m going to do that today by sharing three micro coaching practices that if this is important to you, you can start to bring into your life.

SPEAKER_1: So if you’re ready, grab your pen and paper because here we go.

SPEAKER_1: Okay, as I mentioned, awareness has to come first. SPEAKER_1: Call it mindfulness, call it awareness.
SPEAKER_1: Whatever you want, it’s the same.

SPEAKER_1: And I’ll tell you that this is the really tough part.
SPEAKER_1: It can be really, really, really hard to get started, but it’s worth it.

SPEAKER_1: Pull up your big girl britches, get that courage teed up, and say yes to developing some awareness.

SPEAKER_1: Here’s the tip.
SPEAKER_1: Start small, be gentle with yourself.
SPEAKER_1: Ask yourself a few questions like any of these. SPEAKER_1: What was different and good because I showed up today?

SPEAKER_1: What qualities do I have that made that showing up possible?

SPEAKER_1: Write down what you discover and keep a daily list. SPEAKER_1: Post it where you can see it.
SPEAKER_1: Don’t be afraid to use the post-it notes.
SPEAKER_1: I mean, my God, buy the colorful ones!

SPEAKER_1: Stick one on your fridge, one on your bathroom mirror, one on your computer, one on your desk, one on your visor in your car.

SPEAKER_1: Create the awareness around what was different because you showed up and the qualities that you have, that you uniquely have, that made that possible.

SPEAKER_1: Start getting comfortable with the awareness that you create.

SPEAKER_1: Number two, language.

SPEAKER_1: Okay, this is really important.

SPEAKER_1: If you are using words like old, fat, ugly, stupid, lazy, unmotivated, unsuccessful, boring, any of those, I mean, that’s just the tip of the iceberg, right?

SPEAKER_1: There are all sorts of words that we use that are really unkind, but if you’re using any of those, I want you to pause, and I want you to erase those words from your language because your brain is taking that in, and that is creating the person that you are right now.

SPEAKER_1: It is totally shaping your mindset.

SPEAKER_1: So get mindful about the adjectives and descriptive words that you use to describe yourself.

SPEAKER_1: Make sure they’re kind.

SPEAKER_1: If they’re not words that you would speak to a friend or to your child, for God’s sakes, don’t speak them to yourself.

SPEAKER_1: Here’s the tip.

SPEAKER_1: Think of a friend or family member who really, really loves you.

SPEAKER_1: Ask them what they love and admire most about you.

SPEAKER_1: Write down the adjectives that they say, and start incorporating those into your language.

SPEAKER_1: This is how you start to build supportive neural pathways that help you shift from the she beast called judgment to her alter ego called admiration.

SPEAKER_1: Pretty simple stuff.
SPEAKER_1: Not always easy to get rolling, but the more that you practice, the easier it becomes.

SPEAKER_1: That leads us perfectly into number three, practice.

SPEAKER_1: Practice leads to habits.

SPEAKER_1: You’ve heard me say it before, and I will say it again, presence is practice.

SPEAKER_1: Knowing what you love and admire about yourself requires presence of mind.

SPEAKER_1: The more you practice something, the more familiar and easier it becomes.

SPEAKER_1: So practice every day, morning, noon, and night.

SPEAKER_1: Make it one of your rituals.

SPEAKER_1: Here’s the tip.

SPEAKER_1: And this is a really big one, right?

SPEAKER_1: This is going to take us right back to the beginning of the episode, but I want you to be bold enough to say yes, because I believe that you can.

SPEAKER_1: I know that you have it in you.

SPEAKER_1: And by the way, if you actually accomplish this, because I know so many of you will, send me a note and let me know.

SPEAKER_1: I want to hear about your victories.

SPEAKER_1: Okay, here’s the tip. SPEAKER_1: Get ready for it.
SPEAKER_1: Write a love letter to yourself.  Yep, I said it. Write a love letter to yourself.

SPEAKER_1: Include every single thing that you love and admire.

SPEAKER_1: This practice is more fun and more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

SPEAKER_1: I have one client who started doing this, and now she rides around with a younger version of her imaginary self in the car with the windows down, laughing and having the time of her life.

SPEAKER_1: It’s great stuff. Get creative.

SPEAKER_1: Decorate the love letter.

SPEAKER_1: Use colored markers.

SPEAKER_1: Cover it with glitter.

SPEAKER_1: You deserve it!

SPEAKER_1: And if it feels really hard to get going, think outside of the box.

SPEAKER_1: What would your younger self admire and love most about the woman that you are right now?

SPEAKER_1: What does your adult self love and admire most about the child that you used to be?

SPEAKER_1: What carried over from now to then and vice versa?

SPEAKER_1: Get really, really clear on that, because I was just talking with a friend of mine yesterday who said, you know what?

SPEAKER_1: Who we were as kids at around five or six, she’s still there, and you know what? She’s right.
SPEAKER_1: So get super clear on her.
SPEAKER_1: Have a little role play.

SPEAKER_1: Make it fun.

SPEAKER_1: And finally, if the child thing doesn’t work, looking at yourself as the woman now or vice versa, put yourself in the position of one of your dearest friends.

SPEAKER_1: What would she write to you?

SPEAKER_1: I hope this episode is the start of the greatest love affair you’ve ever experienced, the most unconditional, kick-ass, transformative kind of love that you have never, ever, ever imagined and that you have always deserved and deserve right now.

SPEAKER_1: Thanks for joining me, Amazing Ones.

SPEAKER_1: If you need any help kick-starting your journey to love and admiration, to dismantling the sheep-beast of judgment, head to my website.

SPEAKER_1: Send me a note through my contact form.

SPEAKER_1: I’d love to meet you. I’d love to help you get there.

SPEAKER_1: Until then, I’ll see you next week, and I’m sending you big, big, big, big kick-ass love.

SPEAKER_1: Thanks for being here.

SPEAKER_1: And that’s the end of the show today, everybody.

SPEAKER_1: I hope it has served you well.

SPEAKER_1: Thank you so much for tuning in.

SPEAKER_1: If you’ve liked what you’ve heard, please drop a review wherever you grab your favorite podcast.

SPEAKER_1: Please subscribe so you never miss an episode.
SPEAKER_1: And please be sure to share this podcast with another woman that you love.

SPEAKER_1: If you’d like to learn more about me or my work, check out my website,

SPEAKER_1: Until next time, remember to be super kind to yourself and do your very best to leave everyone and everything just a little bit better.

Cole Baker-Bagwell

Master Certified Professional Coach

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